I Thought I Was Crazy Until the Police Called

I was adopted at three and a half months old and grew up with three brothers. I thought I was safe, but when I met him on social media, I didn't know what was coming. The relationship started like a drug, something I couldn't stop craving. It felt normal at first, but the first physical incident happened just two and a half weeks in.

I didn't know what a limit was. I didn't know my own value. I felt fragile, terrified of abandonment, and convinced that if I just apologized enough, things would be okay. He tried to take my phone and broke my chain, isolating me from my family. I had a codependent relationship, where I felt I had to be perfect to keep him from leaving.

I felt a mountain of gray emotions, constantly apologizing for being the victim, until the police arrived and I realized I was losing my life to him.

The turning point came when I accidentally triggered a 911 call while hiding my phone. The police arrived on the scene and opened a case against him. He was detained for a period in late 2020. Instead of feeling relief, I felt a mountain of gray emotions. I felt guilty for having called the police. I felt like I had betrayed him. I wrote a four-page letter apologizing to him after his detention, even though he was the one who had hurt me.

During the legal process, he called and texted me right in front of the prosecutor. I was terrified of disappointing the police, terrified of disappointing him. I felt like I had backstabbed him. I didn't know if he would really change. I didn't know if I could move forward without him. I felt like I was going crazy, doubting my own decisions and my own worth.

I met with a social worker at the police station, and eventually, I accepted a judicial settlement in February. I chose the settlement instead of a trial. I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I regret it. I wish the system was more structured. I wish someone had told me that I didn't have to apologize for being a victim.

He is currently incarcerated for breaking his conditions. I am working on applying tools to move forward. I have a young child who has shown changes in behavior. I feel anxiety, fear, and guilt. I am learning to set boundaries, something I didn't know existed before. I want to forgive so I can move on, but mostly, I want to help others escape the cycle of violence.

I realized he was losing his control over my life when I finally stopped apologizing. I established physical barriers and contact bans to heal. I am free for the first time, but the work ahead is hard. I still feel fragile when I listen to old recordings of myself. I hope that by sharing my story, others will know they are not alone and that they don't have to be crazy to be victims.

The cycle of violence included moments of repair, which made it so confusing. I thought the violence was my fault. Now I know it wasn't. I know I didn't deserve it. I know I can build a life where I am safe, where I am not afraid of the future, and where I am not apologizing for existing.